Good morning.
I'm Stephen Colbert, and I want to thank
or "thank" the class of 2013 for inviting me here today.
Thank you very much.
It's an honor.
This is way more than I expected.
I would have done or for free.
This is incredibly generous.
Thank you.
Now, before we get started, just one little bit of business.
Out of courtesy, if anyone has a cell phone, please
take a moment to make sure that it is turned on.
I wouldn't want any of you to miss a text or a tweet
while I'm giving my speech.
In fact, you might want to take a minute right now,
if you've got the Twitter app, take a moment right now
and follow my Twitter feed, it's @Stephenathome.
That's S-T-E-P-H-E-N-A-T-H-O-M-E @Stephenathome.
Just in case I tweet anything during the speech.
And now then, it is an honor to be speaking at your 2013
valedictory exercises.
I believe that means I am this year's valedictorian.
And I am as shocked as you are, because I didn't make it
to many classes this year.
You guys must have really tanked your finals.
Thank you for that.
I'd also like to think President Teresa Sullivan.
Thank you very much, President Sullivan.
You are way better than that last president Teresa Sullivan,
she was terrible!
I am so glad they cut her loose.
Good riddance, I say.
No, you are clearly the woman for this job.
I'd also like to thank the Board of Visitors.
Board of Visitors of course, that name
goes all the way back to your founder Thomas Jefferson,
who was just trying to put the local Indians at ease.
Just visiting, should be going home any century now.
And that's just one of the many unique dignified terms
that set UVA apart from other universities.
Instead of freshman, you have first-years.
Instead of a quad, you call it a lawn.
Instead of saying, we are members
of a proud educational tradition dating back to our nation's
founders, you say Wahoo-Wa.
Which begs the eternal question, Wahoo-Why?
Now, I went to Hampden-Sydney College.
Thank you, thank you, please sit down.
And I used to come up here as much as I could,
Because you had these things back
then-- I'm not sure what you call them now-- girls.
We did not have those at Hampden-Sydney.
And when I could not find one of those here,
I would head over to the White Spot
to get a Grills With to fill the void in my heart.
Literally, my cardiologist recently
found one lodged in there.
And early this morning, I had a little tour
around your beautiful campus.
And I just asked myself, why are you leaving?
You know what it's like out there, right?
Plus, this could be the most spectacular place
you'll ever live.
It is the only campus in America that
has been designated a UNESCO World Heritage site.
I believe that means if you try to carve your name into a desk,
UN will send in ground troops.
And you're not going to top these living conditions
unless you're post-college plan involves subletting the Taj
Mahal.
And I just want to say to students at UVA are incredible.
The men are all gentleman, and the women
are all the most beautiful and intelligent in the world.
And I'm not saying that because I dated a UVA girl.
I'm saying that because I married her.
You are graduating from one of the most highly ranked
universities in the nation.
US News and World Report named you the number two public
university.
Princeton Review named you the number one best value
of a public college, especially for those of you
who showed the initiative to be born in Virginia.
Let's give it up, a round of applause for those paying
out of state tuition, shall we?
Because without those people, tomorrow,
instead of wearing gowns and mortarboards,
you'd be graduating in ponchos made of hefty bags
with used pizza boxes on your head.
But as has been stated before, the most impressive ranking
of all has got to be Playboy once again,
naming you the number one party school in America.
Now, to be clear, I only read Playboy for the rankings.
But I am not surprised by this honor, because I have seen you
in action.
When I used to visit back in the day,
I spent a fair amount of time at the Phi kappa house,
which at the time had no doors, because apparently, they kept
getting partied off the hinges.
And I won't go into more about those days,
because I do not remember them.
And you know this is an impressive institution,
because it rejected my application.
Yes, in the spring of 1984, I applied as a transfer student,
and at the time, you could send your essay
in after the rest of the application.
Well, apparently, the admissions board
took issue with the content of my essay, which was none,
because I never sent it.
So today, President Sullivan, I would
like to submit this address as my essay.
And since this is a smart school,
let me just toss in some SAT words, syzygy, heterodox,
Benedict Cumberbatch.
Am I in?
I know, I'm not a Virginia resident.
But perhaps the real reason that UVA is so great
is that it trusts its students.
You have the nation's oldest student run honor code.
Say it with me, on my honor, I pledge
that I have neither given nor received
help on this assignment, so help me Adderall.
But my favorite thing about UVA has
got to be your secret societies, that's sexy.
You got the Zs, you got, I think,
the Illuminati guy and the Masons
and S.H.I.E.L.D. I think some of you are members of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Of course, the most secretive of all is the 7 Society.
Nobody knows who's in it.
I'm not going to say that I'm a 7.
I'm not going to say that I'm not a 7.
I'm just going to say A vige blumen kraften.
Benedict Cumberbatchen.
Now, I have to have all you killed.
Now, of course, many of you already know this,
but for the uninitiated, let me explain.
When a member of the 7 dies, a wreath
of black magnolias shaped like a 7 appears at their grave.
And the university chapel chimes at a seven second intervals,
on the seventh dissonant chord at seven past the hours.
All the group's donations contain the number seven
like it's $777,777.77 grant to fund the Mead Endowment.
So it appears that the way you qualify for the sevens
is by having crippling OCD.
And you know what's good for that?
Adderall.
Now, what is not a secret is the list of distinguished UVA
alums, which is as impressive as it was easy to copy and paste
from Wikipedia.
You got Woodrow Wilson, Robert Kennedy, Janet Napolitano,
Katie Couric, Tina Fey, the painter Georgia O'Keeffe.
I love her paintings.
They remind me of something I rarely saw at Hampton Sydney.
And of course, Edgar Allan Poe, or as his roommates called him,
Creepy Eddie.
I don't understand why Lenore couldn't have just
given him a pity date or just said, I'm busy Saturday night.
She didn't have to say nevermore.
Like most students, young Mr Poe had
a way of signaling to his roommates
if he had a date over.
He would hang a sock on the door or bury a still beating heart
under the floorboards, whichever he had handy.
But of course, the greatest figure associated with UVA
is your founder Thomas Jefferson, TJ, Pres Tommy Jeff,
the freckly anti-federalist, Louisiana Purchy,
old Bible Slicer, or as most Americans
know him, the inventor of the six inch wooden cipher wheel.
In founding this great institution,
Jefferson wrote, we wish to establish
in the upper country of Virginia,
a university on a plan so broad and liberal and modern as
to be a temptation to the youth of other states
to come and drink the cup of knowledge and fraternize
with us.
And according to Playboy, you have lived up to that vision.
But there's one thing about Jefferson
that I take issue with, and it's this, the scope of his beliefs
was too broad.
Jefferson's hard to nail down.
These days, we like politicians to fit into neat categories.
And you're either a conservative or you are a liberal.
But not Jefferson, he's not like that.
No matter what your political leanings,
you can find something he said that backs it up.
If you don't trust the financial industry,
he said, I believe that banking institutions
are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.
If you're suspicious of the federal overreach, he said,
when the government fears the people, there is liberty.
When the people fear the government, there is tyranny.
If you question religion, he wrote, in every country,
and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty.
And if you're an advocate of fiscal austerity,
he said, I'm going to pop some tags,
only got $20 in my pocket.
I'm a huntin', lookin' for a come up.
This is-- I'm not saying that on camera.
That, of course, was in a letter to Secretary of State Ryan
Lewis.
Also on the one hand, in Jefferson's public life
as a founding father, we often see as the embodiment
of the white male patriarchy.
But in his private life, he was known for, shall we say,
embracing diversity.
Very affirmative in his actions.
Am I right?
I am right, they did the DNA tests.
I'm right on that one.
You know what?
I'm not going to say anymore on that.
You've heard too much about that in the past.
Instead, I'll just tweet it.
OK, there it goes.
All right.
Now, while that's arriving all of your phones right now,
I'm going to take this opportunity
to move on to the advice section of the speech.
If you young folks will take advice from anyone.
After all, I don't know if you've seen it.
This week's Time magazine called you
lazy, entitled narcissists who are part of the me, me, me
generation.
So self-obsessed, tweeting your Vines
hashtagging your Spotifies, and Snapchatting your YOLOs.
Your generation needs everything to be about you,
and that's very upsetting to us baby boomers,
because self-absorption is kind of our thing.
We're the original me generation.
We made the last 50 years all about us.
We took all the money.
We soaked up all the government services.
And we've deep fried nearly everything in the ocean.
It may seem that all that's left for you
is unpaid internships, Monday to Tuesday mail delivery,
and, thanks to global warming, soon semester at sea
will mean sailing the coast of Ohio.
Now, in our defense, in my generation's defense,
how were we supposed to know that you were coming?
We thought it went like this, every successive generation
of mankind, and then us, ta-da!
Roll credits.
But while we may be leaving you with an economy with fewer job
opportunities for the new graduate
to slip into, while traditional paths may seem harder to find,
that also means that you may learn,
sooner than most generations, the hard lesson that you
must always make the path for yourself.
There is no secret society out there
that will tap you on the shoulder one night
and show you the way, because the true secret is
your life will not be defined by the society
that we have left you.
To paraphrase Robert Bolt, society
has no more idea of what you are than you do,
because ultimately, it has only your brains to think with.
Every generation must define itself, and so
make the world that suits itself.
So if you must find your own path,
and we have left you no easy path,
then decide now to choose the hard path that
leads to the life and the world that you want.
And don't worry if we don't approve of your choices.
In our benign self-absorption, I believe
we have given you a gift, a particular form
of independence, because you do not owe the previous generation
anything.
Thanks to us, you owe it to the Chinese.
So have the courage to follow the example of your founder
Thomas Jefferson, the greatest mind of that most
daring generation, to create something new for yourselves
and lay its foundation on such principles
and organizing its powers in such form as to you
shall seem most likely to affect your safety and happiness.
And know that though he wrote these words 237 years ago,
that this generation, no less than his generation,
has their own opportunity to recognize and seize
that moment.
When, in the course of human events,
it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands
that have connected them with another
and assume among the powers of the Earth
your separate and equal station.
And for the support of this, mutually pledge to each other
your lives, your fortune, and your sacred honor.
If anyone can do this, it is the graduates of the university
that Jefferson founded.
You are his intellectual heirs.
In fact, some of you may be his actual heirs.
We're still testing the DNA.
So thank you for this honor, and congratulations
to the class of 2013.
Wahoo-Wa.