1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:10,740 Hi everyone. Hi. So the first time I met my biological mother it was at a rest 2 00:00:10,740 --> 00:00:18,390 stop on the Garden State Parkway. It was 2013 I was 46. I've always known I was 3 00:00:18,390 --> 00:00:23,939 adopted I've known I was adopted since I've known my name as Jim or Jimbo as I 4 00:00:23,939 --> 00:00:30,720 was called as a kid, that's President Jimbo to you in case. I didn't know 5 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:34,110 anything about the circumstances because it was through Catholic Charities and so 6 00:00:34,110 --> 00:00:37,980 it was a closed adoption the only story I knew was the story my mom would tell 7 00:00:37,980 --> 00:00:42,090 on occasion about when she and my dad went to pick me up from the hospital. I 8 00:00:42,090 --> 00:00:45,960 was 9 days old and she said a nun brought me into the room where they were 9 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:51,360 waiting and I was wearing an Irish hand knit sweater and a Saint Christopher 10 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:55,739 medal and St. Christopher's the patron saint of travelers and my mom asked the 11 00:00:55,739 --> 00:00:59,160 nun where these came from and the nun teared up and my mom usually teared up 12 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:02,670 when she got to this point in the story and the nun said, "I can't tell you. I can 13 00:01:02,670 --> 00:01:06,810 only tell you that they come from someone who loves him very much." This 14 00:01:06,810 --> 00:01:11,640 would usually lead my mom to break down sobbing and you would think that this 15 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:18,000 would have made me curious, but it didn't actually. I was never that curious about 16 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:21,600 my birth parents, my parents had always said if you ever want to try to find 17 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:26,280 them we'll help you, but I never did. Part of that is that I had a wonderful 18 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:32,729 childhood. I had two parents who loved me, a sister who tolerated me most of the 19 00:01:32,729 --> 00:01:39,030 time. I had friends we had a week at the Jersey Shore. I didn't feel like I was 20 00:01:39,030 --> 00:01:43,380 missing anything. I wasn't resentful I was vaguely grateful I figured this must 21 00:01:43,380 --> 00:01:50,100 have been a difficult thing to do. So fast-forward to about about six years ago, 22 00:01:50,100 --> 00:01:53,490 I was out running with a friend who was trying to find his father and by this 23 00:01:53,490 --> 00:01:56,640 point both of my parents had passed away and he said, "You should try to find 24 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:00,270 something out about your birth parents," and I said "you know I've never been that 25 00:02:00,270 --> 00:02:03,630 curious and now I would feel slightly disloyal because both of my parents had 26 00:02:03,630 --> 00:02:07,649 passed away," but he persisted and so to appease him I said, "Okay, I'll look into 27 00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:12,650 it." So for the first time ever I sat down and I 28 00:02:12,650 --> 00:02:17,269 Googled Catholic Charities and within an hour I discovered that Catholic 29 00:02:17,269 --> 00:02:21,019 Charities would actually, now, they must have changed their policies would now 30 00:02:21,019 --> 00:02:25,370 give non-identifying information, that is any information in their files about the 31 00:02:25,370 --> 00:02:30,590 adoption except for last names, because they wouldn't allow you they wouldn't 32 00:02:30,590 --> 00:02:34,940 give you the last name and then if you sent in a check, because this is the 33 00:02:34,940 --> 00:02:44,690 Catholic Church after all, I say that as a Catholic. They would send you the 34 00:02:44,690 --> 00:02:49,609 information. So I found out the Catholic Charities to which I was adopted I 35 00:02:49,609 --> 00:02:55,910 called them and turns out yes this is true and yes they have my file. So within 36 00:02:55,910 --> 00:02:59,120 an hour I thought I'm gonna find out something that I never knew. I always 37 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:02,959 thought I'd figured the story was two teenagers so part of the reason I wasn't 38 00:03:02,959 --> 00:03:06,859 that curious is I thought I knew the story. So about a month later, I get a 39 00:03:06,859 --> 00:03:11,599 three-page letter that's made from notes from the file and it was not at all what 40 00:03:11,599 --> 00:03:18,049 I expected, it read like a 19th century novel about an Irish immigrant. It turns 41 00:03:18,049 --> 00:03:25,220 out that my birth mother, Anne, grew up in Ireland part of a very large family, came 42 00:03:25,220 --> 00:03:31,730 to the U.S. following her brother and lived and worked with a wealthy family 43 00:03:31,730 --> 00:03:36,950 in New York City. The letter said that she did not want to give me up for 44 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:41,660 adoption and cried every time it was brought up, but that ultimately realized 45 00:03:41,660 --> 00:03:44,900 she couldn't afford to keep me and certainly couldn't keep the job that she 46 00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:49,629 had and keep me. I learned that she knit 47 00:03:49,629 --> 00:03:56,660 during my during her pregnancy, which accounted for the sweater. I learned that 48 00:03:56,660 --> 00:04:03,410 she stayed in the hospital with me all nine days and fed me all my meals and I 49 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:08,079 learned from the letters last line that she left the hospital brokenhearted. 50 00:04:08,079 --> 00:04:14,060 I handed this letter to my wife, Katie, who read it and with tears coming down her 51 00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:18,919 cheeks said, "You need to find her. You need to find her and let her know that 52 00:04:18,919 --> 00:04:25,300 everything turned out okay," and I said, "I think you're right." 53 00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:34,669 So, Catholic Charities will do a search for you, for an additional fee, so I planned to 54 00:04:34,669 --> 00:04:40,880 call Catholic Charities but instead the next day I got a call from them. A woman 55 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:45,020 named Barb, I think that was her name, who called. She made up some excuse for 56 00:04:45,020 --> 00:04:48,560 calling and she had a great New Jersey accent which I can't do justice to but 57 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:54,700 she said, "Jim, I got to tell you I've been doing this for 25 years and I 58 00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:59,210 ain't never come across a story like this, it touched my heart, Jim. Jim, do you 59 00:04:59,210 --> 00:05:06,230 hear what I'm telling you? It touched my heart, now I can't tell you to find her 60 00:05:06,230 --> 00:05:12,470 because that costs more money and you know that cost more money but, Jim don't 61 00:05:12,470 --> 00:05:19,340 you think she's wondering about you?" And I had never thought about that. And I 62 00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:23,060 said, "I would like you to find her," and then we talked about how she'd probably move 63 00:05:23,060 --> 00:05:26,660 back to Ireland we didn't know whether she should even be alive. So at this 64 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:31,880 point in this story I'm now interviewing for a job at Harvard. We had lived in 65 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:36,200 Charlottesville for 15 years and we were contemplating the possibility that we 66 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:41,479 would move from Charlottesville to Massachusetts and I would start a new 67 00:05:41,479 --> 00:05:46,580 job and move all four of our kids, who were not that excited about moving. And 68 00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:49,850 I'd spent a lot of time talking to Drew Faust, who was then the president of 69 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:53,900 Harvard, you saw her speak yesterday if you were at the inauguration and it 70 00:05:53,900 --> 00:06:01,940 matters that Drew is female. So a Thursday night in June 2013, I get a call 71 00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:06,800 a five o'clock from Drew Faust offering me the job. 72 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:13,600 So I'm now thinking we are moving and my head is spinning and I'm thinking about 73 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:19,490 how we're gonna move our entire family from a place that we loved. 9:00 a.m. the 74 00:06:19,490 --> 00:06:22,020 next morning I pick up the phone it's Barb. 75 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:30,000 And she says, "Jim?" I said, "Yes?" She says, "Are you sitting down?" I said, "No." She says, "Jim, sit down." 76 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:35,940 She says, "We found her." And because I had been thinking so much about Drew Faust I 77 00:06:35,950 --> 00:06:39,990 thought she was going to say, "Your mother's Drew Faust." 78 00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:57,670 But she told me something equally surprising. It turns out that my mother 79 00:06:57,670 --> 00:07:03,550 had married a wonderful man named Jack and had four additional children. Had 80 00:07:03,550 --> 00:07:09,040 moved from New York to New Jersey and had lived most of my life 15 minutes 81 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:16,900 from where I grew up. And then she said, Barb said, "Jim, and you know what she told 82 00:07:16,900 --> 00:07:21,820 me?" And I said, "No." She said, "She told me that she's prayed for you every day of 83 00:07:21,820 --> 00:07:25,840 your life and that her only prayer was that someday you two would meet in 84 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:30,070 heaven." And then she said, "Jim, I can't tell you to call her, but you think you would 85 00:07:30,070 --> 00:07:43,680 call her?" So I said, "Yes, I'll call her." So I called the next day and Jack, a truly 86 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:49,000 wonderful man, answered the phone and before he could say anything I blurted 87 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:55,000 something out like, "I'm not crazy! I don't need money! 88 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:59,520 I'm not emotionally needy, not really anyway! 89 00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:08,640 I'm just calling because I wanted to say thanks and let you know that everything 90 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:14,100 turned out okay. I'm happy. I have a wonderful family." And I could hear Jack 91 00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:19,470 smiling on the other end of the phone and he said, "Jim, she's been waiting a 92 00:08:19,470 --> 00:08:25,410 long time for this and she's the most amazing person I've ever met." So then we 93 00:08:25,410 --> 00:08:32,280 talked and it was both surreal and totally ordinary and we agreed to meet 94 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:36,090 when we would be driving from Charlottesville to 95 00:08:36,090 --> 00:08:39,870 Massachusetts, hence meeting on the Garden State Parkway where, if you're 96 00:08:39,870 --> 00:08:49,530 from New Jersey, that's the natural place to meet. So we're driving, this is the 97 00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:53,030 morning that we are leaving our home in Charlottesville to go to Massachusetts 98 00:08:53,030 --> 00:08:58,530 and our kids were only vaguely interested in this story at this point 99 00:08:58,530 --> 00:09:02,060 because the much bigger story to them is that they're leaving their childhood 100 00:09:02,060 --> 00:09:05,960 home and they also adored my mother, their grandmother, and weren't quite 101 00:09:05,970 --> 00:09:11,640 sure what to make of this new person and I had seen Anne's picture so I was 102 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:16,410 prepared for this, but my kids hadn't and we walk into the rest stop and their mouths 103 00:09:16,410 --> 00:09:24,270 drop open because there is no doubt that we're related. So we sat and talked for 104 00:09:24,270 --> 00:09:30,780 two hours and Anne held my hand for most the two hours, showed me pictures, had 105 00:09:30,780 --> 00:09:35,460 cards for each of our kids with their names on it and 20 dollars in each card. 106 00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:45,120 "Ice cream money for the summer," she said. I eventually met my four siblings 107 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:52,050 and they completely welcomed me into their lives. I will tell you this is not 108 00:09:52,050 --> 00:10:00,000 a bridge I ever expected to cross but it has enriched my life in so many ways and 109 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:05,250 it's one of the reasons I think building bridges is so important and this weekend, 110 00:10:05,250 --> 00:10:12,810 we built yet another bridge between my extended family who are all here 111 00:10:12,810 --> 00:10:18,080 and my birth family. Thank you.