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Well, OK.

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Thank you, Courtney, for
that generous introduction.

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Thank you, class
of 2016 graduation

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committee for inviting me.

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Thank you, President Teresa
Sullivan and most especially,

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class of 2016.

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I am so honored to be
here with you today.

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So glad to be back home
in Charlottesville.

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This view is pretty
overwhelming.

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My memories of this
place are still so vivid,

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lunch dates at Newcomb
Hall, late nights

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at the drama department,
3:00 AM trips

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to the Waffle House,
Bodo's bagels,

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chicken salad with lettuce
and tomato and everything,

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thank you very much.

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I distinctly remember
an unhealthy obsession

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with all things
acapella, especially

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the Virginia Gentleman.

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Hello.

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What can I say?

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I am a super fan.

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I got married in the chapel.

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[INAUDIBLE] not of [? UG, ?]
but he would have been

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if you'd gone here.

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My man can sing.

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We had our reception
at the Colonnade Club

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over in pad seven.

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I streaked this lawn.

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Yeah, did that,
not at my wedding.

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Although, several members
of our wedding party

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couldn't resist after
the rehearsal dinner.

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That was charge was
led by a U guide, FYI.

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Thankfully, all of this
happened before the advent

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of social media.

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I just need a minute here.

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This is crazy.

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I have to be totally honest.

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I have no idea what
I'm doing here.

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And when I think
about who you've

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had up here before, Peyton
Manning, Ed Helms, Stephen

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Colbert, what am I doing here?

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Honestly, when I got that letter
four months ago from Jasmine

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Chu of the class of 2016
graduation committee,

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I was shocked.

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Of course, I said
yes, and then I

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panicked for four
straight months.

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I tried to stave off the panic
by plunging into preparation.

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I started binge
watching Ted Talks

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and commencement speeches, which
were super inspiring but also

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totally depressing,
because how could I

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compete with those people?

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I started a dozen different
documents on my laptop.

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I wrote 45 pages single-spaced
to make use of like,

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a 2 and 1/2 hour address.

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So buckle in.

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It's going to be
a long afternoon.

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Just kidding.

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I actually didn't end up
using any of that stuff.

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I spent hundreds
of hours preparing

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to fall flat on my face.

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I so wanted to impress
you, to inspire you,

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to step onto the stage and
be the star of this show.

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But then it struck me,
this is not my show.

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This is yours.

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It's not about me at all.

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And that recognition called
to mind a defining moment

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from early in my career, where
I received a piece of advice

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that I have been trying
to take every day since.

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A few months after
my graduation,

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I found myself on the
set of major movie.

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It was my first time
in front of a camera.

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And I was working with some of
my absolute idols, Ed Harris,

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Debra Winger, Cuba Gooding
Jr, between a lot of them,

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they had accumulated a hefty
number of awards, Oscars,

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Golden Globes, Emmy's.

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I did not want to screw up.

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So I remember this
one scene that we

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had that was super
emotionally charged.

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I was supposed to
break down in tears.

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So I arrived at
morning with my Walkman

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blaring my saddest mix-tape.

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Kidding, I'm not that old.

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It was a CD and a disk man.

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I was pumped.

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I was ready to cry.

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I was going to cry.

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It was going to be awesome.

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So during our first shot,
camera wasn't even on me.

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It was on Ed, but
it didn't matter.

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When the director said
action, I let her rip.

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There were tears and
fireworks, and it was all

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coming out of me all at once.

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And the director yelled cut.

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And then there is this sort
of like awkward silence

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as I was trying
to compose myself.

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I felt like everyone was
trying to look like they

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weren't looking at me.

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And then I'd hear someone say,
honey, save it for the camera.

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You're going to run out of tears
before anyone even sees them.

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Got it.

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Thanks, I said, bracing
myself for another take,

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grabbing a tissue to stanch
the flow of my now completely

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unnecessary tears.

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I felt so humiliated.

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But before the cameras
started rolling again,

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Ed Harris leans over to me and
he says this, that's bullshit.

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I do my best work off camera.

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If you are not giving 110%,
even when you're off camera,

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you're not doing your job and
in the worst way, because you're

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failing your scene partner.

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You just gave me
exactly what I needed

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to do what I needed to do.

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Good work, kid.

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When I recalled
that moment with Ed,

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I knew exactly what I wanted
to share with you guys today,

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and it starts with a question.

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What do you do when the
camera isn't on you?

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Who are you then?

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I believe that the way we
answer that question will either

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set us on a path to
freedom, joy, and impact

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or will catch us in
the grip of a never

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ending chase for recognition,
the driving desire

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to impress the tyranny
of achievement.

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I know the stakes are
high for this question,

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because I have felt the
consequences of getting

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it wrong more often
than I'd like to admit.

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And I've also experienced
the joy of getting it right.

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When the camera isn't
on you, what do you do?

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In real time, in real
life when people really

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need you in order
to do what they

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need to do, how do you show up?

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And I mean the real you, not the
carefully curated social media

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version of you.

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Because let's be clear,
all that world is a stage.

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And when we step onto
it, we are players

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performing for our audience.

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Who are we out of the
spotlight when we're not

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performing for an audience?

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Are we 110% present,
even when it's just

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us and one other person?

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When the camera
pans away from me,

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do I immediately feel
invisible or irrelevant?

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Do I power down and tune out?

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Do I wait, and plot, and
obsess about my next moment

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in the sun, or do I
get out of my own head

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and notice the scene
that's unfolding around me?

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Do I see myself as a
valuable and essential part

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of a bigger story?

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Do I recognize that it's not my
moment, but it's your moment,

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and if I don't show
up for, you miss.

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I miss.

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We all miss that greater thing
that is only possible when

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we are all in for each other.

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I chase the spotlight
all the time.

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I am constantly looking
for recognition.

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And even though I
know it's a trap,

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I am still drawn to the
chase like a moth to a flame.

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Every step of my journey,
from your seat to this stage,

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this has been my struggle.

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And when I find myself drawing
too close to that flame,

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I try to remember Ed's advice.

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And I try to take it.

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I try to stop obsessing about
the camera, and my career,

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the critics, whatever
they're saying about me

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or when they're not saying
anything at all about me.

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And I try to focus,
instead, on being present,

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giving 110% to whomever
I'm with on or off the set,

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on or off camera,
because here's the thing.

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Most of the time, there
are no cameras rolling,

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but life is always rolling.

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And if you're paying
attention, in your spirit,

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you will hear the words
and action all the time,

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every day, with all of
the people in your life,

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whether you are the
intern or the CEO,

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whether you are running your
household or running a company,

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living in a basement or
living in a penthouse,

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whether you are doing the grunt
work or getting the glory,

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life is always rolling.

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So the question then is,
how will you show up?

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Over the years I discovered
that when I get that wrong, when

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I miss the moment, because I'm
so focused on the spotlight,

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it's usually for one
or both of two reasons.

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I want to matter,
and I want to belong.

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Somehow, I believe that
if I'm noticed enough,

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important enough,
celebrated enough,

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that validation
will give me value.

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And it will secure a place
for me at the cool kids table.

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I'll be in the club
inside the inner circle.

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Above all else, I want
to be seen, to be known,

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and to be loved.

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The people that I work
with are so amazing.

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I track them all in
Instagram and Twitter.

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And when I see them posting
from award shows, fancy parties

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in Hollywood, dinners with the
Obama's in the White House,

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I would like to say
that I feel happy

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00:10:02,050 --> 00:10:06,130
for them, proud to know them,
excited to see them shine.

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And sometimes I do, truly.

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But more often
than not, I don't.

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Instead, I get
jealous and insecure.

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I focus on myself being on the
outside, not important enough

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to get that invite,
even though I

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have had plenty of other
moments in the spotlight.

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Even though, they're my
friends, and I know them,

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and I love them,
and they know me,

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my first reaction
is to feel left out.

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Because in this moment, they
are up front and center,

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00:10:40,660 --> 00:10:45,980
and I am at home in my yoga
pants covered in toddler snot.

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Because that's the thing
about the spotlight.

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00:10:49,390 --> 00:10:52,350
No matter how much
it shines on you,

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00:10:52,350 --> 00:10:57,590
it will never be enough, ever.

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00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:00,340
There will always
be fancier people

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00:11:00,340 --> 00:11:05,080
than you doing fancier
things than you, always.

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00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:09,900
The only freedom is to stop
living for that recognition,

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00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:13,200
for those fleeting
moments on camera.

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00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:17,630
Freedom only comes when you stop
needing to be seen and instead

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00:11:17,630 --> 00:11:20,620
when you let yourself
truly see and be

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00:11:20,620 --> 00:11:23,850
present to the
people in your life,

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00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:27,420
whether they're your best
friends, or your coworkers,

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or even the strangers you
encounter on a daily basis.

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And sometimes the
camera turns to you

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00:11:35,210 --> 00:11:37,330
when you are
present in this way.

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00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:41,720
Sometimes the camera
catches value,

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00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:43,675
but it doesn't create value.

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00:11:43,675 --> 00:11:46,280

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00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:49,890
Over these 14 years, in my
journey through my career,

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00:11:49,890 --> 00:11:52,130
there have been several
extended periods of time

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00:11:52,130 --> 00:11:54,410
when the camera didn't
catch me at all, when

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I stopped working completely,
not by choice, six months here,

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00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,120
three months there,
nine months, when

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00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,680
I didn't book a single job.

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00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,140
These seasons were
pretty discouraging.

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00:12:06,140 --> 00:12:10,500
And during them, I had a really
hard time taking Ed's advice.

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00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:14,080
One of these long periods was
after Everwood was canceled

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00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,310
and before I found
my way to Grey's.

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There was this one
winter where I tested

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00:12:19,180 --> 00:12:22,060
for seven different pilots.

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00:12:22,060 --> 00:12:26,030
I got to the final rounds for
seven different TV series,

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00:12:26,030 --> 00:12:28,480
and I didn't book a single one.

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00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,270
The only part I did
get during that period,

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00:12:31,270 --> 00:12:32,910
I didn't even audition for it.

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00:12:32,910 --> 00:12:34,010
I just got it.

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I still have it actually.

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00:12:35,230 --> 00:12:36,430
You haven't seen it.

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00:12:36,430 --> 00:12:37,085
No one has.

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00:12:37,085 --> 00:12:39,650
It wasn't in a
movie or in a play.

251
00:12:39,650 --> 00:12:42,020
It won't ever be on TV.

252
00:12:42,020 --> 00:12:46,500
No, the part I
was given was that

253
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:52,240
of an honorary member of a gang
of little kids on my street.

254
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:55,190
Yes, I was a grown-ass woman.

255
00:12:55,190 --> 00:12:57,910
And yes, I played with
the kids on my block.

256
00:12:57,910 --> 00:13:00,080
Don't judge me.

257
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,280
These kids are the
freaking coolest.

258
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,660
When their parents told
them to go out of and play,

259
00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:08,410
their first stop was at my
door so they could drag me out.

260
00:13:08,410 --> 00:13:11,540
They showed me all the
secret fairy hideouts

261
00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:14,340
that regular adults
weren't privy to.

262
00:13:14,340 --> 00:13:19,950
They had special names for each
other, flower pa, rain spirit,

263
00:13:19,950 --> 00:13:21,890
feather stuck.

264
00:13:21,890 --> 00:13:26,640
They had given a new
one too, lionheart.

265
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,030
I have a vivid memory of
the day I returned home

266
00:13:30,030 --> 00:13:33,540
from my seventh
pilot screen test.

267
00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:36,330
Over the course of two weeks, I
had been called back, and back,

268
00:13:36,330 --> 00:13:39,260
and back, casting directors,
then producers, and studio

269
00:13:39,260 --> 00:13:41,680
execs, and now network execs.

270
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,890
Man, I was feeling so
good about this one.

271
00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:45,910
I was killing it
at every callback,

272
00:13:45,910 --> 00:13:49,860
hitting all the right beats,
loving every minute of it.

273
00:13:49,860 --> 00:13:52,780
I truly believed that this
part was meant for me.

274
00:13:52,780 --> 00:13:54,960
I had spent my
morning at ABC studios

275
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,580
signing a contract tying
me to the project in case

276
00:13:58,580 --> 00:14:00,590
they chose me over
the other girl,

277
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:04,840
looking, staring at the
salary I'd be making if I got

278
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,260
the role.

279
00:14:06,260 --> 00:14:08,480
Everything I wanted
was just within reach.

280
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:13,110
I could feel that camera
coming to find me.

281
00:14:13,110 --> 00:14:15,540
As I pulled into our
driveway, my phone rang.

282
00:14:15,540 --> 00:14:16,950
It was my agent.

283
00:14:16,950 --> 00:14:19,040
Did I get it?

284
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:19,540
No.

285
00:14:19,540 --> 00:14:22,550

286
00:14:22,550 --> 00:14:27,850
I hung up and crumpled, banged
my head on the steering wheel.

287
00:14:27,850 --> 00:14:32,680
But then I heard this tap,
tap, tap, on the window.

288
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:36,110
My head was still glued to the
steering wheel in self-pity.

289
00:14:36,110 --> 00:14:37,960
So before I could
see who was tapping,

290
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,050
I heard this little voice
talking a mile a minute.

291
00:14:41,050 --> 00:14:45,190
Sarah, Sarah, we are going
to fill the entire sidewalk.

292
00:14:45,190 --> 00:14:45,730
Come on.

293
00:14:45,730 --> 00:14:46,229
Come see.

294
00:14:46,229 --> 00:14:48,050
We need help.

295
00:14:48,050 --> 00:14:50,630
So I put myself up.

296
00:14:50,630 --> 00:14:52,650
I looked to my left.

297
00:14:52,650 --> 00:14:56,280
And I matched the voice
to the bouncing, grinning,

298
00:14:56,280 --> 00:15:02,680
incandescent face of Eloise and
beyond her the gang, Miranda,

299
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:08,470
Iris, Ethan, Penelope,
Mara, Dean, and Zane.

300
00:15:08,470 --> 00:15:12,180
They were creating an
epic sidewalk chalk

301
00:15:12,180 --> 00:15:16,950
drawing that had already spanned
the length of four houses.

302
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:19,370
Lionheart, let's go.

303
00:15:19,370 --> 00:15:21,900
We need you.

304
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:24,780
She threw open my car
door, her whole body

305
00:15:24,780 --> 00:15:27,930
humming with excitement.

306
00:15:27,930 --> 00:15:33,080
I took a deep breath, stepped
out of my car, took her hand

307
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:38,860
and walked, then
skipped and ran over.

308
00:15:38,860 --> 00:15:43,310
I picked up a piece of
chalk, and I started drawing.

309
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:47,500
For the next two hours, I sat
on the sidewalk drawing dragons,

310
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:51,640
and fairies, and suns,
and moons, and stars,

311
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,300
talking to those kids,
laughing with them,

312
00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:58,920
and making art together, my
disappointment transforming

313
00:15:58,920 --> 00:15:59,772
into delight.

314
00:15:59,772 --> 00:16:02,320

315
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:08,030
I so often let myself think that
if I am doing the fancy things

316
00:16:08,030 --> 00:16:12,330
with the fancy people in the
cool kids club, I will matter,

317
00:16:12,330 --> 00:16:13,480
and I will belong.

318
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,510
And here I am pulling
onto my street.

319
00:16:16,510 --> 00:16:19,930
And these kids who couldn't
care less what I do for a living

320
00:16:19,930 --> 00:16:21,550
are now leaping
out of their skin,

321
00:16:21,550 --> 00:16:26,520
because they are so excited
to be with their lionheart.

322
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:32,040
I belong to this
club, this club of

323
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:38,480
creative, playful, adventurous,
present, kind-hearted kids

324
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,620
who love me effortlessly.

325
00:16:41,620 --> 00:16:47,070
I matter to them simply because
I'm a member of their tribe,

326
00:16:47,070 --> 00:16:50,330
their community .

327
00:16:50,330 --> 00:16:52,090
And it is my larger
community that

328
00:16:52,090 --> 00:16:56,210
has held me at every point
when my career has let me down

329
00:16:56,210 --> 00:16:59,870
or when life has gotten
harder than I was ready for.

330
00:16:59,870 --> 00:17:02,300
When my marriage
was in a dark place,

331
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:06,390
our community spoke bold
and hard truth to us

332
00:17:06,390 --> 00:17:09,290
and lifted us up
out of the depths.

333
00:17:09,290 --> 00:17:12,349
When our daughter Hannah was
born almost a month early,

334
00:17:12,349 --> 00:17:14,040
she was so small and vulnerable.

335
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,520
She had issues breathing.

336
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,200
She'd start to get
better and grow stronger,

337
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:21,869
but then she'd regress and
just stop breathing altogether.

338
00:17:21,869 --> 00:17:24,040
So it was oxygen,
and feeding tubes,

339
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,869
and medications, and
constant vigilance and stress

340
00:17:26,869 --> 00:17:29,180
in the NICU.

341
00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:32,380
But our community brought
us meals, and prayed for us,

342
00:17:32,380 --> 00:17:35,780
and left us love notes, and
let us sob go all over them,

343
00:17:35,780 --> 00:17:38,610
and celebrated with us
when we were finally

344
00:17:38,610 --> 00:17:41,020
able to bring her home.

345
00:17:41,020 --> 00:17:46,590
All of this done for
me, for us, off camera.

346
00:17:46,590 --> 00:17:49,420
Our community seeing
me, seeing us,

347
00:17:49,420 --> 00:17:53,600
being present 110%
in exactly the way we

348
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,935
needed to put the
next foot forward.

349
00:17:55,935 --> 00:17:58,530

350
00:17:58,530 --> 00:18:04,920
I will tell you that I live the
truest most wholehearted, most

351
00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:09,540
joyful version of myself
when I ignore the camera,

352
00:18:09,540 --> 00:18:12,580
when I am oblivious
to the spotlight,

353
00:18:12,580 --> 00:18:16,970
and when I stop waiting for
recognition or approval.

354
00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:19,630
I am most alive when
I do my work simply

355
00:18:19,630 --> 00:18:22,180
for the joy of doing
my work and when

356
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:26,410
I am present in my community
looking for ways to celebrate

357
00:18:26,410 --> 00:18:30,860
them, to show up for them, and
to bring something gorgeous out

358
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,390
in them.

359
00:18:32,390 --> 00:18:35,680
When I'm in that space,
I know that I matter,

360
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,550
and I know that I belong.

361
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,630
And although this is
still a struggle for me

362
00:18:39,630 --> 00:18:44,260
to remember this, with the
help of my tribe, my community,

363
00:18:44,260 --> 00:18:46,310
I find my way back to
the truth a hell of a lot

364
00:18:46,310 --> 00:18:49,890
faster than I did 14 years ago.

365
00:18:49,890 --> 00:18:52,890
And here we are today.

366
00:18:52,890 --> 00:18:55,910
This is one of the
greatest gatherings

367
00:18:55,910 --> 00:19:00,590
of your tribe you will
ever experience, here

368
00:19:00,590 --> 00:19:06,410
on our sacred tribal grounds,
your classmates, your friends,

369
00:19:06,410 --> 00:19:11,520
your family, your tribe,
everyone who believes in you

370
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:15,210
and loves you more deeply
than anyone else, oftentimes

371
00:19:15,210 --> 00:19:18,640
more deeply even than
you love yourself.

372
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,430
What Ed taught me a few months
after graduation and what I

373
00:19:21,430 --> 00:19:24,940
continue to learn is that
I cannot do this life thing

374
00:19:24,940 --> 00:19:26,740
on my own.

375
00:19:26,740 --> 00:19:30,890
We are not meant to live
on our own private islands.

376
00:19:30,890 --> 00:19:33,050
We are a tribal species.

377
00:19:33,050 --> 00:19:36,950
We are built for community,
and it is only in community

378
00:19:36,950 --> 00:19:43,380
where we uncover our true
value and our deepest worth.

379
00:19:43,380 --> 00:19:46,680
On that theme, let me
close with the words of one

380
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:50,030
of the greatest leaders
and teachers of all time

381
00:19:50,030 --> 00:19:51,840
on the subject of
true community,

382
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:56,260
what he called beloved
community, Martin Luther King

383
00:19:56,260 --> 00:20:02,980
Jr. He knew that in the end
when all things are measured,

384
00:20:02,980 --> 00:20:06,290
what matters most is
not your resume, not

385
00:20:06,290 --> 00:20:09,550
your impressive
achievements, but who you are

386
00:20:09,550 --> 00:20:13,390
and what you do when the
camera isn't even on you.

387
00:20:13,390 --> 00:20:15,250
Here's how he put it.

388
00:20:15,250 --> 00:20:17,120
A few months before
he was assassinated,

389
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:20,260
King actually wrote
about his funeral

390
00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:23,320
with guidance for how
the service should go

391
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,030
and the eulogy.

392
00:20:26,030 --> 00:20:29,350
"If any of you are around
when I have to meet my day--

393
00:20:29,350 --> 00:20:32,724
he said-- I don't
want a long funeral.

394
00:20:32,724 --> 00:20:34,640
And if you get somebody
to deliver the eulogy,

395
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:36,730
tell him not to talk too long.

396
00:20:36,730 --> 00:20:39,840
Tell him not to mention that
I have a Nobel Peace Prize.

397
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:41,590
It's not important.

398
00:20:41,590 --> 00:20:45,690
Tell him not to mention that I
have 300 or 400 other awards.

399
00:20:45,690 --> 00:20:47,440
That's not important.

400
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,670
Tell him not to mention
where I went to school.

401
00:20:50,670 --> 00:20:54,800
I would like someone to mention
that day that Martin Luther

402
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:58,960
King Jr tried to love somebody.

403
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,080
I won't have any
money to leave behind,

404
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,520
but if I can help
somebody as I pass along,

405
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,530
if I can cheer somebody
with a well song,

406
00:21:06,530 --> 00:21:12,230
then my living will
not be in vain."

407
00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:16,830
In the end, the most
important question is not,

408
00:21:16,830 --> 00:21:22,290
did I impress, but did I love?

409
00:21:22,290 --> 00:21:26,280
As you set off from
these sacred grounds,

410
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,400
you will need your tribe.

411
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:33,370
Your tribe will need you 110%.

412
00:21:33,370 --> 00:21:34,400
Thank you.

413
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:35,680
Thank you so much.

414
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:36,660
I love you UVA.

415
00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:38,070
Congratulations.

416
00:21:38,070 --> 00:21:42,267