Have you heard of “gray rocking”?
University of Virginia psychology professor Bethany Teachman says the approach to dealing with difficult people popularized in social media right now is not new.
“It is a catchy term for the basic idea that if you’re in a situation where somebody is coming at you in an aggressive way, instead of matching that energy, you’re going to respond in a calm, neutral tone and not have a lot of engagement ” – basically, imagining yourself as an emotionless gray rock, the College of Arts & Sciences professor said.
Bethany Teachman says it is an honor to treat patients. She’s a professor of psychology in the College of Arts & Sciences. (Contributed photo)
Teachman told UVA Today that while the approach can work, there are other proven ways for people to successfully handle uncomfortable situations.
Q. How do people know when to practice gray rocking and when a more direct approach is appropriate?
A. It’s really hard. What I think about is, “What are your goals in a particular situation? What is it that you hope to have happen in that interaction?”
What I recommend is for people to have a flexible repertoire of responses and styles that they can draw on to be most responsive to the situation and what its demands are, and to be most effective.
Q. Can you offer an example?
A. Let’s say it is a difficult interaction with your boss. You can think about, “Maybe I don’t want to respond strongly in the moment, because I don’t think it’s going to go well, but I do want to assert my wishes. So, I’m going to say, ‘Let me think about this, and can we plan to talk about it at another time?’” When you’ve had a chance to really think through how you want to handle this situation, (think) “Is it going to be more effective in writing versus on the phone versus in person?”
Q. Have you coached patients through scenarios like this?
A. This comes a lot up a lot. For example, in relationships with somebody’s significant other, where they feel like they hit each other’s buttons and things can escalate very rapidly, particularly when a relationship has a lot of conflict or is not going very well.
So what is your objective? Maybe it’s that you want to make a plan that you’ll agree on about some aspect of parenting. How can you have this interaction go well, where you don’t just get what you want, but you are able to improve the relationship, the communication style, feel close to each other – all those things? Then there’s a third piece, which is your self-respect. Nobody wants to be in a situation where maybe the relationship is preserved and the other person thinks everything is great, but you feel like you’ve just been walked over, and you haven’t had your needs met.
Q. What is your therapeutic approach in those situations?
A. What we do is have people recognize their different goals in that situation and then figure out their priorities. Maybe you decide that in that situation, you feel that the top priority is for you to assert that you feel the other person is being unreasonable, not respecting you, and you want to change what’s happening.
