The holiday season can be a source of stress for many people. Expectations for a so-called “perfect holiday” are high. People with already busy lives often add more events to their calendars: parties, travel, church events, or gatherings with friends and family.
For people grieving the loss of a loved one, this time of year can stir memories of holidays shared with someone no longer with them, potentially adding an emotionally crippling layer to an already stressful season.
“I think many people I work with feel that loss with a patriarch or matriarch who has passed,” said Kim Penberthy, a professor of research in psychiatric medicine at the University of Virginia. “If they were the rally point for the family, with them gone, things shift and change, and it can be another stressor to cause problems around the holidays.”
Nearly half of Americans have lost a parent
In 2021, the U.S. Census Bureau found 44% of Americans had lost at least one parent.
Penberthy, who was named Virginia Psychologist of the Year in 2023, said it is tempting to try to recreate holiday traditions after losing a parent. “The rawness of recent loss and moving into the holidays, that is really tough, obviously,” she said.
Kim Penberthy, a professor of research in psychiatric medicine, was named Virginia Psychologist of the Year in 2023. (Photo by Matt Riley, University Communications)
“My advice is to really try to be very compassionate with yourself and really intentionally be open to whatever happens, especially (during) the holidays,” she said. She said it can be tempting to try to recreate holiday rituals and meals as a way to honor the loved one.
Penberthy encourages people to be “really honest with yourself … and asking people what they are comfortable with and really trying to take the pressure off yourself and therefore other people as well.”
“What I would advise is ‘Let’s just try to get through the holiday and not make it worse,’” she continued. “What I mean by that is sometimes, if you’re thrown in a raging river – and that’s what grief is sometimes – the best you can do is just keep your head above water.”
That can mean acknowledging this holiday season will be different.
“This is not going to be the best-ever Christmas. This is just not going to be that amazing holiday we all remember,” she said.
Other ways to cope and support someone who has suffered a loss
If people are experiencing grief, be it after the death of a parent, a partner, a child or a friend, Penberthy encourages them to “allow themselves to be open and curious and flexible. You often see that holidays do change and morph after the loss of a family member.”
She said that’s OK. Sometimes, one of the healthiest things a person can do is give themselves permission to start a new tradition. “It’s not out of disrespect,” she stressed. “It’s out of a need for change and renewal and incorporating the loss in a different way in the holidays.”
If you are the friend or acquaintance of someone who is grieving, Penberthy says it’s easy to feel like saying something will send that person into a depression.
