Research & Discovery

A Purse Sparked a Wave of Kindness. Science Says It’s Good for You

You deserve the purse. Or the dessert. Or that coffee.

But people often forgo small indulgences. The rent is due. The car needs an oil change. Or your infant needs formula.

A young mother recently walked down the baby aisle at a Target store. Sitting on the shelf to the right of a bottle of store-brand baby lotion, priced at $4.99, sat a purse with its tag still hanging off the chain strap.

The woman snapped a photo of the scene and posted it on social media with the title, “She Deserved the Purse,” the picture implying that the cost of baby supplies caused the buyer to ditch the purse. Comments flooded in. One user wrote, “The sacrifices of a mother. I really felt this.”

Portrait of Jim Coan, Psychology Professor.

Psychology professor Jim Coan studies the neural systems that support social forms of emotion regulation. He says humans are hard-wired to be kind to others. (Photo by Emily Faith Morgan, University Communications)

The post went viral and soon, mothers around the country and beyond were flooding baby aisles in stores, tucking folded $20 bills or gift cards under lids of baby formula and into diaper boxes. Some included notes of affirmation, like the one that read, “Mama, I see you. I’m so proud of you. Buy yourself something nice.” It was a bit of good news amid a glum news feed.

University of Virginia psychology professor Jim Coan said humans feel good when they are kind, something that is important to remember, especially now. UVA Today talked with Coan about this built-in mood booster and how people don’t need to wait for a social media trend to spread goodness in their corners of the world.

Q. Why does being kind feel so good?

A. We are wired, biologically, to affiliate. It’s one of those things that is (essential) for humans, like food or oxygen or water. It’s an unconditioned reward. It’s an unconditioned reinforcer for humans to connect to another human.

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Q. What is physically happening in our bodies when we are kind to others?

A. The act of being kind is probably releasing dopamine and oxytocin into regions of our brain and giving us a sense of reward for the act of kindness. When I think about the biology of kindness, I often think about what comes next. When we feel that we have built connections to others in a broadening and deepening social network, then we become less vigilant for potential dangers. (We) become less anxious. And often, we devote more of our body’s energies and resources toward things like growing hair and repairing tissue and building up our immune system. Things that make us stronger.

It’s unequivocally the case, from many, many different disciplines and lines of research, that it is physically good for you to be kind.

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Q. If I were to ask you to write a prescription for practicing kindness, what would be on it?

A. I would say be kind. But I would broaden that prescription to include not only kind to others, but kind to yourself. One of the things that we can do to show kindness is to refrain from holding people to unreasonable standards. We do that to ourselves, too.

You can offer support. You can listen. A study we did a number of years ago suggested that one of the things that other people regard as really wonderful is feeling understood. So, you can work on understanding someone else’s perspective.

Q. Why do you think so many people began committing random acts of kindness in response to the “She Deserved the Purse” post?

A. I think people are disposed to do things that are kind. I think it’s also kind of a neat idea. It has that sort of meme quality to it. And we know that social contagion is a real force. So, when you do something, I’m a little more likely to do it, too.