Sabrina Carpenter might have said it best: “My relatives always know what to say to p— me off.”
The holidays can be joyous. But they can also be a high-stress time.
Between buying gifts, taking final exams or wrapping up loose ends at work, some people find themselves with frayed nerves even before they visit – or host – family members. Parents and their adult children may find it especially difficult to get along at this time of year.
Fortunately, University of Virginia assistant professor of nursing and psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner Lee Moore has advice on how to prevent and manage conflict for both parents and children during the holiday season, to keep it festive rather than fraught.
“The holidays are definitely an interesting time, and I mean that in both senses of the word,” Moore said.
Moore talked to UVA Today to offer tips for enjoying the holidays with minimal strife.
Set Expectations Early
“This sounds easy, but this doesn’t necessarily make it an easy process,” Moore said.
Still, he said it might be what families find most helpful as they spend time together.
Some parents or guardians may be welcoming a child back home after their first semester of college. During the monthlong break, that student probably isn’t thinking about the fact that other members of the household may have to wake up early for work or other appointments. Setting a curfew would be inappropriate, but it’s fair game to ask your adult child to be quiet after a certain time.
Hold The Line
As cliché as it sounds, setting and keeping boundaries within your family is critical.
“When you return to your family home as an adult, both you and your parents can kind of feel like you’re 12 years old again,” Moore said. “It’s important to remember you’re not.”
If you’re returning to your childhood home for a rare visit, that means it’s OK to take a little time away from family to see an old friend. For parents, it’s reasonable to expect your adult child to contribute to the family in an appropriate way, whether they pick up the bill for groceries or complete some chores around the house.
Compartmentalize
Sometimes, family members will ask questions you don’t want to answer. Whether it’s a new tattoo, a job search or an area of political disagreement, Moore said it can be useful to avoid certain subjects with family members.
“I have a lot of patients who are in their mid- to late 20s, kind of in that time of ‘What do I do now?’” Moore said “It can be a time of year where, to some degree, compartmentalizing might be a healthy thing.”
In other words, it’s OK to say, “I’d rather not talk about that,” and change the subject.
Choose Your Battles
You may want to talk to your relatives about something you know might be difficult for them to handle. Before going into that conversation, consider what you want to get from it and how you can expect your family to respond.
Lee More, a nurse practitioner, is an assistant professor of nursing and psychiatric mental health at UVA. (Contributed photo)
“I do believe in honesty and openness,” Moore said. “That being said, the individual … knows their family pretty well. I would ask if they are ultimately going to get from this what they believe will be helpful for them.”
If your mom has been haranguing you about your job search, for example, it might be best not to bring that up.
Think About How You Usually Spend Your Time
When adult children return home for the holidays, it’s easy for their parents or guardians to revert to when their children lived with them full time. Same goes for adult children, who may forget that their parents’ lives have changed since they moved out.
Adult children may not be considering the noise they make if they come home late at night. Similarly, parents might have gotten used to a quieter, more peaceful house, even as they welcome their children’s return. It’s important for each party to consider the other, and for parents to treat their children as adults.
“If you’re a parent or a guardian, meet your kid where they are developmentally,” Moore said.
Remove Yourself From the Situation
Sometimes, conflict flares despite your best efforts.
“Removing yourself from the situation, metaphorically or literally, can be the safest option,” Moore said.
That can mean changing the subject, declining to talk about a certain topic or even offering to run an errand as an excuse to leave a certain environment.
Conflict Doesn’t Have To Be a Bad Thing
While Moore said there’s nothing wrong with escape at times, conflict isn’t inherently bad. In fact, it might be the healthiest option.
“Conflict itself is not a good or a bad thing. It’s what the purpose behind it is,” Moore said.
A difficult conversation can be an opportunity for relatives to work out their differences, or at least understand where each other is coming from.
