Research & Discovery

10 minutes of play can create holiday joy

When the holiday season gets hectic, a technique teachers use may help frazzled families reconnect and strengthen their positive relationships.

For more than a decade, researchers at the University of Virginia’s School of Education and Human Development have been developing, testing and disseminating a set of practices called “banking time” that builds positive relationships between teachers and their students.

Currently, a team led by Amanda Williford, Batten Bicentennial Professor of Early Childhood Education, is testing the practice in early elementary schools.

Amanda Williford, Batten Bicentennial Professor of Early Childhood Education, says just playing with a child and not trying to lead, teach or set rules can strengthen relationships. (University Communications photo)

Back in 2020, when the pandemic shut down schools and classrooms across the country, Williford recommended that parents use the technique to reconnect with children. She said the technique lends itself to families with children of all ages who are home for long periods, such as during winter school breaks.

“During the holidays, there are lots of demands on both children and parents,” Williford said. “Parents are juggling many additional responsibilities on top of typical chores and jobs, while kids’ schedules are less structured. The stress on kids and on parents can be high, and this is a recipe for conflict.”

Banking time is designed explicitly to interrupt the conflict in adult-child relationships and reset those connections.

Williford said in nearly all parenting or teaching scenarios, adults are “in charge” of the interactions and set the expectations and criteria for success. By flipping that dynamic and letting children be in charge, parents can create space for deeper connections with their child.

Banking time prescribes that for 10 minutes, three or so times over a week, a parent invites their child to spend time on an activity of the child’s choosing and lets the child lead that activity with the parent taking a “back seat.” The idea is that the child picks the play, and the parent follows along.

Listening and playing help the child feel understood and help build up “relationship capital.”

“I love that banking time is so simple and, by turning the structure of adult-child relationships on its head, it helps both adults and children ‘relate’ and ‘regulate,’” Williford said.

Putting time in the bank

During the 10-minute play window, parents are not required to direct the activity in any way. They do not need to ask engaging questions or encourage praise. They don’t have to set or figure out rules for the game.

“When banking time, you are not trying to teach a skill at all,” Williford said. “Rather, your experience of being present for a short period of time can help to center you and your child and strengthen your relationship.”

Observe: Sit back and watch how your child approaches their play or activity. It’s OK to play together without talking. Enjoy the break from constant conversation. Watching and listening allows a child to direct the conversation. Parents might be amazed at the topics of conversation kids bring up.

Narrate: State what your child is doing, like a sportscaster. Reflect what they say. Answer their questions, but don’t ask questions and don’t direct the conversation. Play alongside your child. If they are building Legos, don’t ask what they’re building. Instead, build something beside them, but don’t “outdo” their effort.

Label: State the feelings your child seems to be experiencing. What does your child seem to be experiencing emotionally during the play?

Convey a Relational Theme: What do you think your child needs the most from you at this time? For example, “I’m here for you,” or “I understand this is a hard thing to get through,” or “You do things well.”

Give gifts to encourage play

Looking for some toys and games that would be perfect to use to bank time with your kids?

“The best choices are toys and activities that come with no rules,” Williford said. “You want your child to be able to lead the way and use their imagination.”

That would include Legos or other blocks, but skip the sets that are designed to build something specific. To bank time, go for the bin of mixed pieces or block sets that let your child dream up whatever structure they want.

Play-Doh or model clay can be squished, rolled or shaped in different ways, allowing for creativity. Art supplies, like paper, markers, crayons and paint work well, too. Coloring books and paint-by-number sets should be avoided, allowing children to go freestyle and create their own designs.